Today I'm writing this in a place of exhaustion. A place of defeat. A place where I can only focus on one thing at a time.. one step at a time. I would describe myself as someone with a long fuse. Someone who goes a long time before reaching my max and I can feel that familiar fatigue of burnout creeping up. We are week three into the eight month sleep regression (fighting/skipping last nap.. frequent and extended night waking), experiencing big feelings about being apart from Momma, working through Beau's first cold and (possibly) cutting his first tooth. Soooo. I'm feeling a little over my head. There's lots of leaps and growth happening here and I am just trying my best to support Beau through that. But it's hard. And I feel like I'm not doing such a great job at it.
So today I cried. With my Mom on the phone, out of pure exhaustion. I feel like I've tried every approach and nothing seems to be effective. I feel like I don't have an opportunity to rest... my body or my mind. I feel frustrated and defeated and tired. So very tired. Tired of feeling like I can't do anything right, tired of sleepless nights followed by sleepless days, tired of feeling like I'm running behind on everything, tired of constantly falling short, tired of feeling crappy that my poor baby is struggling and I can't seem to help. Everything you read around these experiences are contradicting which makes it difficult to find a course of action. Not to mention, every baby is so uniquely different, whatever works for one may not for another. I'm trying to balance meeting my baby where he is right now and being mindful not to "create poor habits".... Feels like a lose-lose. So I needed to give myself a day. And simply by giving myself permission to do so, I feel better.
And with that, I thought, I'd welcome those who needed a day, to join me.
Now I know you don't necessarily need permission buttttt....
If that's what you're looking for, if you've been searching in one way or another for an invitation to full-on ugly cry.
Here. It. Is.
There are a few fundamental things about me. Things that are embedded in my core. I drink a bajillion litres of water a day. I crack myself up all the time. I am a crier.
I am a proud crier.
Ohhh I love a good cry. It just feels sooooooo good. I cry when I'm happy, when I'm sad. I cry when I'm tired, when I'm scared. I cry when I'm laughing too hard, when I stub my toe, or when I'm advocating for sh*t I really care about. I cry when other people cry, I cry out of empathy, frustration, confusion and anger. My first response and solution to all problems in life: drink more water and have a cry. And I'm damn proud of it.
Listen, I don't know when in history crying became associated with weakness, and frankly I don't care. Crying is a holistic remedy (IMO). So sister, grab a damn tissue box and let the flood gates flow. I guarantee releasing all that built-up pressure will be beneficial to your entire being. You body will soften, your mind will clear, your heart (perhaps a tad deflated or hardened) will be in a position to start any needed repairs. You're setting the stage, clearing the space and restoring the emotional balance your body so desperately needs.
Let me just take a minute to address the new criers in the house.
Welcome. I am so sorry your heart is hurting. I'm not sure why, but being in pain is never a fun time. You may be feeling lost and defeated. Maybe full of regret and remorse. Maybe feelings of exhaustion, burnout and finally at your wit's end. Perhaps you're sitting in your tears drowning in a pool of grief and despair. I'm not going to sit here and try to make you feel better. I won't insult your pain with any kind of sentence that begins with at least... I won't silver line your suffering, or sugar coat your situation. This is a space to cry. An unapologetic, unfiltered, no-judgement, open, free space to feel defeated. For whatever reason speaks true for you. You're feelings are valid, and no one can tell you differently...because they are yours.
First, let me say I believe you. I believe you're hurting. I believe you feel stuck, and I believe it's hard. You don't need to justify yourself or try to provide an explanation to your grief. It really doesn't matter right now your reason, but rather accepting your truth. You don't need to explain, because I believe you. May this place act as a place to rest. A place to let go of expectations, deadlines and stress. A place to be honest, open and trusting. A place where you don't need to think about how you feel, you just feel.
Next take this time to unload all the emotional baggage you've been carrying around. Dare to be brave and let it go. Just set it down and take a moment to feel the relief of being burden-free. Maybe it's a bunch of little things that have built up over time, or things you no longer wish to carry forward with you. Whatever it is, I bet it's heavy. Set it down, regroup, and decide what you will pick back up. You don't need to have it all together all the time. I don't need to have it together all the time. Trust me, this is just as much for me as it is for you.
Sometimes it can be hard opening the flood gates. It's messy.. and things may feel all mixed up. But in time, you may find yourself able to distinguish between sadness and anger, between worry and frustration, between fear and doubt, between fact and fiction (remember The Story We Tell Ourselves). You've got to make a mess to clean a mess right? It's hard to make decisions in the middle of a storm. But waiting for the dust to settle and an opportunity to see things as they are, allows you to determine you're next move. Take ownership over your feelings and validate yourself one by one.
This blog feels messy to me. HA! All over the place, a little disorganized.. but that's where I am. And this is how I want this space to be. Honest, safe.. and a little messy.
I know I am the best Mom for Beau and I know this is only a season. Just like I know you will overcome your battles. I know you will grow in the process. I know you will succeed. I know it will be hard. I know it will push you in uncomfortable ways. Scary things aren't easy. Hard things take time. Messy feelings are difficult to navigate. And you will get through this.
Have a cry with me. It might be just what you need.
All my love,
Ellie
